“Trying to Change Others Will Only Cause You Suffering”

In our relationships, most of us have probably felt, at one time or another, the urge to change the other person. Whether it’s a friend, partner, family member, or coworker, it’s common to wish they would “act differently” or question, “Why do they do that?” However, it is important to be aware of this simple truth: trying to change others will only cause you suffering.

The Difficulty of Changing Others

Each person has a unique set of values and ways of thinking, shaped by their upbringing and life experiences. These qualities are not easily altered. For example, habits and personality traits that have been ingrained over many years are hard to change, even for the person themselves. And they are even less likely to change when imposed by someone else.

When faced with someone who does not change despite your wishes, it’s easy to feel frustrated and think, “Why won’t they change?” This frustration can become a source of significant stress, leaving you feeling exhausted and creating rifts in your relationship.

The Trap of Expectations That Cause Self-Suffering

The desire to change others often stems from expectations like, “They should be like this,” or “I wish they would do this.” However, people rarely act in accordance with our expectations. The larger the expectation, the more intense the disappointment or anger when it is not met.

Excessive expectations not only stress us out but can also put pressure on the other person. When someone feels they cannot live up to expectations, they might feel unappreciated or criticized, leading them to distance themselves. If both sides continue to harbor dissatisfaction, the relationship will likely deteriorate.

The Importance of Changing Yourself

Once you accept that “changing others is difficult,” the most effective course of action is to change your own mindset or behavior. Instead of trying to change others, make an effort to accept them as they are. This doesn’t mean you should “put up with things”; rather, it means adopting an attitude of respect for their individuality and way of thinking.

For example, if the other person’s behavior bothers you, take a moment to reflect on your own emotions: “Why am I reacting so strongly to this?” By analyzing your feelings, you may find a way to improve the situation by changing your perspective or how you respond, rather than trying to change the other person.

Understanding Others and Setting Boundaries When Necessary

Of course, if someone’s actions are genuinely unacceptable or cause you harm and stress, it is equally important to create some distance. Forcing yourself to adapt to them or constantly trying to change them will only deplete your emotional energy.

Taking a step back can sometimes improve the relationship. Maintaining an appropriate distance to protect your peace of mind is crucial for healthy relationships.

Conclusion

Trying to change others often leads to self-inflicted stress and amplifies your suffering. Accepting the reality that changing others is difficult and instead focusing on altering your own thoughts and attitudes is the first step to smoother interactions.

Instead of attempting to change others, focus on changing yourself. When necessary, maintain a suitable distance. By adopting this approach, you can build healthier and less stressful relationships. For the sake of your own peace of mind, why not let go of the idea of “changing others”?