If There Is a Way to Change Others, It Is by Changing Yourself

In relationships, it’s common to find ourselves wishing others would behave in certain ways: “I wish they’d do this” or “I wish they’d stop doing that.” However, trying to change others usually doesn’t go as planned. In fact, attempting to change someone can often make things worse. So, how can we guide our relationships in a better direction? One answer lies in changing ourselves.

The Effect of Changing Yourself

Why does changing yourself bring about changes in others? It’s because our actions and attitudes influence others more than we often realize. Relationships are a two-way street; our behaviors and attitudes affect the other person, which then reflects back on us. In other words, by changing how we act and think, we can create a space for the other person to change naturally.

For example, if you always approach someone with a negative attitude, they might respond in kind. However, if you shift to a more positive approach, you might notice their attitude softening over time. It’s often more effective to create an environment for natural change by altering our own behavior than by directly pushing someone to change.

Why Do We Want to Change Others?

Most of the time, the urge to change others comes from the discomfort or dissatisfaction we feel towards their actions or behaviors, which do not align with our own ideals. But let’s take a moment to reflect: our desire to change others often stems from our own expectations and values. In a way, when we want someone to change, we might be imposing our ideals onto them.

The key here is to pause and examine our thoughts whenever we feel the need to change someone. Is it truly necessary for them to change, or could we solve the issue by changing our own perspective instead?

Steps to Changing Yourself

If changing yourself can lead to changes in others, how do you actually go about it? Here are some practical steps:

1. Deepen Self-Awareness: When you feel dissatisfied with someone, take a moment to reflect on the values and expectations behind that emotion. Understanding what you’re holding onto and why you want it can help ease the urge to change the other person.
2. Understand the Other’s Perspective: Everyone has reasons for their actions and words. By trying to understand their viewpoint, you can shift how you see them. Placing yourself in their shoes helps you become more flexible in your own attitudes and responses.
3. Change Your Attitude and Behavior: Once you’ve reflected on your thoughts and feelings, it’s time to put it into action. For example, if you often get irritated by the other person’s actions, try changing how you react. Practice staying calm, expressing gratitude, or genuinely listening to them. Small changes in your behavior can prompt different reactions from the other person. When you change, others notice, and they may begin to change in response.
4. Let Go of Expectations: The root of wanting to change others often lies in our expectations: “They should be like this” or “They should act in this way.” When you hold onto these expectations, you set yourself up for frustration when things don’t go as you hoped. Letting go of these expectations and accepting the person as they are can lighten your own emotional burden and change how you interact with them. This creates an environment where the other person can be themselves without feeling pressured to meet your standards.
5. Prioritize Honest Communication: After changing your mindset, it’s also important to communicate honestly with the other person. However, instead of blaming or forcing change, focus on expressing your feelings and discussing ways to build a better relationship. Your sincere effort to change yourself will be noticed, and it can lead to more open and meaningful communication.

The Possibilities That Open Up When You Change Yourself

When you change your way of thinking and behavior, your perspective on the situation and the other person shifts as well. It’s like seeing the world from a fresh viewpoint. Even in situations where you used to feel annoyed, your new approach may help you see different aspects of the same situation.

Moreover, changing yourself makes it easier for others to open up. People are sensitive to changes. When you demonstrate positive change, others may naturally react and gradually change their behavior too. This method of inducing change is often much more effective and natural than directly telling someone, “You should change.”

Conclusion

“If there is a way to change others, it is by changing yourself.” This statement captures the essence of human relationships. We often feel dissatisfied with others’ actions and try to force change, but changing our own mindset and approach is far more effective in bringing about change in others.

When you change yourself, you not only alter how you view the other person’s behavior but also influence them in subtle ways. This accumulation of small, positive changes can become the catalyst for building healthier relationships. Before rushing to change others, take a moment to look inward and transform your own thoughts and actions. That change could very well be the first step toward creating a fresh, positive dynamic in your relationships.